The University of New Brunswick is planning to hire a “communications manager” in an effort to help “build the president’s brand”. I am applying for the position and am sharing my cover letter with you. I hope you will all support me in my bid for employment.
May 27, 2014
To Whom It May Concern,
Please accept my resume in response to your available position of communications manager. As you will find, I have absolutely no qualifications for this job. I am attaching my resume anyway, because I have a “secret ingredient” that is bound to secure this job for me. Intrigued? Thought so. Read on.
So, essentially you are looking for a brand manager to cement your vision for UNB to the world. It is my understanding that brand managers engage in a few of the following tasks:
- analyze and plan how the brand is positioned in the market
- hone in on which target public the brand is targeted at
- development of a good relationship with the target public
- create and/or manage the emotional connection between the “product” and the “customer
Looks pretty…sounds complex enough to be a “fancy” job. I liken it to the landscaper that refers to him/herself as an “environmental aesthetics technician”. Remember my reference to my “secret ingredient”? It’s called common sense. So, here is my offer…
Eddy Campbell, who would be my “boss”, makes between $325,000 and $349,000 per year. This is in addition to a home and car allowance. It was interesting to discover that he earns 142% more than our premier and 463% more than the median family income in New Brunswick. That said, I’m willing to solve your problems for $75,000 per year and an unlimited supply of Pepsi. Knowing you’re going to jump on this, I’ll divulge a little more…
Your “brand” is as a university offering education. You don’t need to “brand” it-it is pretty self-explanatory. And, PS-it’s the only university in Saint John so you’re pretty safe in that department. As far as your target population, I would draw on my expertise of people and go with young adults (say, those nearing high school graduation) as your main focus and spend a little time on us old folks that know that it’s never too late to learn.
Now, when you consider developing a positive emotional relationship with target public, you really have done on number on that one given the events of the last few months (that pesky little strike is like that wart that just won’t go away). You don’t need a communications manager here…you need David Copperfield to make the last several months disappear. Even this is beyond my scope of practice.
My suggestion is this-cut your salary and benefits back to something reasonable (say, $112,578). Interestingly enough, that’s the average annual salary for a university professor in Canada. OK…maybe you can have a little more since you are on those committees and things. In addition to my fee of $75,000 plus Pepsi costs to act as your emotional, caring brain, assemble a focus group of professors/students (present and past) to determine what would make the whole experience meaningful for them.
Branding? Maybe for companies like Nike and Apple. You don’t need a communications manager…you just need to learn how to communicate.
I can be reached at my home number listed on my resume when you get my office ready and my paperwork is in order. Until then…
Amanda E. McEvoy
**Wikipedia and The Brunswickan helped me out here